Kehte hai ki mae badi filmy shilmy kisam ki bandi hoon, jaise ki har baat pe dialogues bolna ya koi scene se related baat karna – par doston mae itni simple nahi balki gehre paani ki machli hoon. Hahaha! Yeh issi wajah se bol rahi ki mae aisi bandi hoon jo shayad hi kisi ke samajh mein ayi ho; haan ofcourse mere Baba alag thhe par unke sivaye aur kisi ke bas ki baat nahi. Shayad issiliye unke jaane ke baad mae gumsum bhi hogyi. Haan yeh blog mere bade mein hi hai. Jaise meri behen boli thi ki “Didi aap ek blog na bas apke upar kendrit karke likho, jahan bas aapki khwaahishon ki alfaaz ho – taki hume apki arzoo ka khabar ho”. Ab mae issiliye likh rahi hoon taki jo mere bade mein sahi se nahi jaante unko sahi khabar mile aur jo mere bahari attitude ko dekh – judgemental ban jaate hai unko meri asli roop ki thikana mile. Waise toh farq padhna nahi chahiye, log mujhe jaise bhi samjhe kyon na, mere Rabb ko pata hai ki mae kaisi hoon aur jo mujhse beshumaar pyaar karte hai – mere baba, meri maa, mere bhai – behen, meri momsie, mere dost, mere kuch kuch rishtedaar aur kuch pyaari aunties bhi. Toh mae zyada sochungi nahi balki apne khwahishon ki aur apne shaunq ki ziqar karne wali hoon. Zara gaur farmaiye ga – yeh blog unn bandiyon ke liye bhi hai jo meri jaisi hi hai bilkul ordinary, aur unke khayaal, sapne, soch, shaunq meri jaisi aam hi ho par ussi mein khushiya dhoondti phir rahi ho. Ho sakta hai ki meri baatein padh ke unko bhi khushi mile. Waise ab tak aap logo ko pata chal hi gayi hongi ki mujhe baatein shaatein karne mein by god bada maza ata hai. Par apko iss baat ki khabar nahi hogi ki mae har kisi se itni baatein shaatein nahi karti. Kuch logon ke liye mae storeroom ki bandh si almari hoon aur baki logo ke liye khulli khidki se ati hui thaandi hawa jaisi. Ab tareefan sunni hai wahi likh rahi, doubt na karo ki khud hi tareef kar rahi. Wapas se bata rahi, meri mood, chal, bhav aur baatein karne ki tareekein depend karti hai ki kaun mere samne hai aur baki automatic formation leti hai. Mae double-faced bhi nahi, aur gossip queen bhi nahi. Bas itna jaanti hoon ki kisko apne bade mein kitna batana chahiye aur kisko kitni importance deni chahiye, itne ache se jaan liye toh maturity ki first level par kar gaye by god. Akhir har koi thodi na tumhare best version ko deserve karte hai! Creativity kut kut ke bhaadi hai mujhme, koi shaq?
Hahahah! Actually, mujhe apne hisaab se rehna aur creative duniya mein kho jaana zyada pasand hai. Jaise maan lo, din bhaar painting karu, apne sapno ki duniya, log aur sheheron ki tasveer banao. Passtime photography ki bhi shaunq rakhti hoon -jaise koi phool-pattein, ped-podhe, asmaan, chand-sitaare aur bekhayali ki khwaab. Chaivinist hone ka jazbaa toh shuru se pata hai aap sab ko aur jo mere blog pehli baar padh rahe hai woh pehle wale bhi padh lijiye acha khasa connection milega. Waise char- paanch incomplete blogs padhe huye hai. Beech raaste chodi nahi bas agge likhne ki himmat nahi ya alfaaz kaam padh gayi toh sambhal ke rakh di. Jab alfaaz mil jayenge wapas likhne beht jaungi. Haan jaise yeh blog mahino baad likh rahi hoon. Inn dauran mae shayarion mein beh gayi thi.. Mujhe alag alag jagah aur waha ke bhasha jan ne ki arzoo hai. Theek waise hi dhoond te dhoond te, padh te padh te kab mohabbat hogyi khabar na thi aur dhal gayi mein shayarion mein. Likhne ki shaunq thi aur bhasha sikh hi rhi thi sang sang rhythm aur rhyming lines bana ne ki hunar bhi agayi mujh mein. Aur passtime photography bhi kaam agayi iss dauran. Chaho toh instagram ki page follow kar sakte ho [@the_first_time_ever].
Mae bandi aisi hoon ke jis jagah mujhe jo baayan karni hai woh mae kar nahi pati aur khwaabon mein kho jaati hoon ke kaash aisa ho aur waisa ho. Aur askhir iss cheez pe apni control lakar mae bas shayariyon mein hi baayan ki jaati hoon. Mere kaam aye ya na aye kisi dusre ki maddat zaroor karegi woh alfaaz. Par meri mano toh doston apni feelings zyada deyr tak chhupa ke nahi rakhni chahiye – baanyan kar deni chahiye. Warna bohot der ho jaati hai ya toh sab kuch haath se nikal jaati hai. Mae ye bhi maanti hoon ki baanyan kar dena asaan nahi par koshish karne walo ki har bhi nahi. Meri mano toh apna dil kisi geyr ko na dena, apne dil ki qadar karo aur khud hi uski hifazat. Koi aur nahi jo usko sambhale. Chote bhi lagengi, malham patti bhi hogi par khud sambhalo ge toh dil mehfuz rehgi. Anmol cheeze sambhal na sab ki bas ki baat ni!  Ab agge bhi suno mae khud ko badi pasand karti hoon – issiliye likhna pasand karti hoon. Samne bitha ke kisi ko apne dil ki baatein batau ya apni feelings share karu ya usse advice mangu toh kuch log irritate ho jate hai, kuch bored, kuch alag expressions dete hai aur baki log bolte hai “tum se na ho paaye”. Support karne wale nazdeek nahi aur jinko batana chahti hoon unn tak awaaz pohchti nahi. Phir bhi tanhai mein khush hoon mae. Apne andaz se khushiya dhoond hi leti hoon mae. Pehle baba ke sang chappar-chappar karti thi ab akele hi gunguna ti hoon.
Introvert ya extrovert hone ki wajah nahi, kabhi akele jee ke bhi dekh sakte hai. Mae toh lock down ke pehle bhi akele hi sab se juda rehti thi. Apne kamre mein sketch karte huye, apne room ko sawarti thi, creative cheeze banati thi – jaise ki butterflies, flowers, beeds se apne naam ka initial alphabet bana ke wall decor karna. Kisi ki potrait sketch karna; aur quirky greeting cards banana. Bade maaze ate thhe by god. Abhi jaise utna time nahi mil pata, dhoond ne pe milenge par abhi mann hota hai ki kuch reports bana loon toh office se extra paise mil jayengi. Hum sabhi waise hi toh ban chuke hai. Khud ke hunar, shaunq sab kho chuke hai. Woh kehte hai na ki solitude and solace. Yeh kya jane Yogi log kaise tapsya kara karte thhe. Kabhi na khud ko dhoond ne ke liye, khud mein khona bhi padhta hai. Aur yeh saach hai! Meine khud azmaya hai. Ji haan, dostoon kabhi aap bhi azmaa kar dekhlo. Mera manna hai ki agar aap khud ko na pehchan paye toh kisi aur ko kya samajh paoge. Kisi bhi mukaam tak pohnch ne ke liye khud ke baare mein puri jankari rakhna bohot zaroori hai. Jaise ki koi bhi qitaab ya uski kahaani, apka pasandeeda subject, theek waise hi ap khud bhi utne hi mehtvapoorn hai. Jitna khud ko jan paoge samajh paoge, utni hi tumhari koshish rahegi ki khud ko sahi disha pe le ja sako. Humara mann ek aadhar pe chalta hai aur humara hosh ek taraf. Mann behelata hai phuslata hai, hosh ka pakar mazboot honi chahiye. Ekbar boss phisal gaye toh kya hi hona hai.
Waise toh mae apni favourite hoon! Kisi ki favourite banne ki khwahish kabhi puri hogi nahi kisi ki bhi. Arey yaar, film actors and actresses ya singers ko hi dekhliyo, kaunse rehte hai favourite – kisi ki 1 mahine? 1 hafta? 1 din! Chalo pata nahi. Dynamic duniya mein kuch bhi fixed nahi. Sab cheez ki expiry date saath aati hai. Bas ek ke sivaaye jo hum khud hai. Khud ko khud se durr nahi kiya ja sakta boss. Apne aap ko samjhoge toh apne aap pe ane wali har ek judgement ko mehsoor karke sahi jawab de paoge. Egoistic replies are not a wise person’s choice! Haan hum mein se koi bhi perfect nahi hai, har kisi ki apni khamiyaan hai aur kuch khubiyaan bhi. Yeh ehsaas humein khud hona chahiye ki khud ke khubiyon pe garv kare aur khamiyon se seekh le, unhe bhi behtar bana ne ki koshish kare, har mann lena kayaron ka kaam hai.
Mae khud se karti hoon guftagu, kyon na karu, mujhe bhala janta kaun hai mujhse zyada. Aur jitna baat karoge utni hi mann halka hone lagega. Try kiya hai kabhi? Karlo kiska intezaar hai. Aur jo baatein mae khud se karti hoon uske jawab automatically mil jaate hai. And guess what is the best part; secret remains secret. Just apke pas. Kisi 2nd person hai hi nahi, ki darr hai kisi teesre ko bata de toh. Waise, humesha possible nahi ki har ek suggestion ap khud ke de jo bilkul sahi ho. No it cannot be correct always. Aap biased ho sakte ho. Time zyada lag sakta hai to deal with both opinions coming from you Dil aur Dimaag. Beech mein dono larr marr jate hai. (Refer to blog post: Head-to-Heart : Heart may win over. But.. always cries in the end.) But pata hai kya, kabhi kabhi sochna achha hai. Kabhi kisi aur se suggestion lena sahi hota hai to get a neutral thought. Make sure ki woh insaan bilkul hi anjaan ho tumse.
Mae ek overthinker hoon! Iss mein koi galat baat nahi or absolutely sahi bhi nahi. Toh kare kya? Kuch nahi relax beta ji! Dekho ramdhanush mein saaton rang hai, aur itni badi abadi mein kitne rang honge socho phir, keeping in mind har ek ko saaton rango se multiply karna na bhuliyo. Sahi pakre, ek insaan mein hi har ek rang basi huyi hai. Wahi rang har ek sthaal, roop, dekh ke prakat hoti hai. Mere example se yeh pata chalta hai ki – mae overthinker hoon issiliye shayad kalakar hoon, koi overthinker hai toh depressed hai, kyon ki woh express nahi karte apne mann ki baatein. Mae bhi ek zamane mein aisi hi thi, kafi depressed rehti thi magar, haan jab se khud ko apna dost mana hai aur saari baatein share karna shuru ki hoon tab se hi mera dil aur dimaag kaafi shaant ho chuke hai. Ab koi bhi confusion nahi hoti, dil halka hai, dimaag bhi shaant toh overthinking ki zaroorat hi nahi padhti. Best way and our age old tradition of sharing words to oneself is writing up a diary. Woh bhi likti thi mae ek zamaane mein aur kafi saare diaries ban chuki thi jisko chhupane ke jagah nahi thhe, since it is only mine, mujhe hi bas haq hai. Toh phir paper ko replace kiya technology ne aur mere samne aya Microsoft Word, aur tab woh meri dost bani. Folder ke ander folder uske ander folder wahan rehti thi yeh dost, inspite of my computer being password protected. Phir mujhe khayal aya ki yaar kisi din disk udd gayi aur mujhe padhna hai meri likhi huyi kahaani tab kahan milegi, pen drive mein toh school ke projects rehte hai. Ab, meine dhoond ke nikali dusri tarqeeb, jab mujhe word press ki khoj mili aur meine likhna shuru kiya. Likhti gayi, jo dil mein aya, kuch abhi bhi draft mein hai aur kuch published. Likhna, padhna, qitaabon se mere natan kafi purani hai aur ek apna pan hai. Khwahish thi ki editor ban jaun yeh writer. Lekin naseeb aisi bala hai ki kahan jake ek lakeer kheench degi pata bhi nahi chalega yaar. So that happened. Issi dukh aur dard ke beech banti chali gayi kayi kahaaniya, aur bhi kafi hai jinhe banyan karni baki hai.
Issi tarah mein likhti chali gayi, aur mera dil halka hota gaya. Phir bhi mein aaj bhi utni akeli jitni shuru se thhi. Bas ek muskaan aagyi hai as a signboard, jo kuch aise kehta hai -“Lunch time, please visit later!” Hasi aa rahi, haan haan hanslo bura nahi manungi. Bura mane mera dushmaan. Achhi baat yaad ayi, dusmaan aur meri yaar meine kisi se baat hi nahi karti khud ke siwaye. Try ki thi, jab mein dusre city mein posted thi tab team ke saath guest house mein rehna padhta tha toh I enjoyed talking toh chai pe charcha and baatein vaatein hoti thi. Magar wahi baat hai har koi tumhe samjhega nahi na hi samajhne ki koshish karega. Jo ho so ho, meri baatein chalti rahengi, aur smile barkarar koi kuch bhi kehle. Mujh mein itna confidence hai ki mein khud pe hans saku. Akeli movie theatre mein jakar puri film enjoy karu with sitti, aur popcorn ke liye khud card swipe kar saku. Restaurant aur cafes pe akeli kafi hoon, shant sa jagah aur ek cup coffee. Baarish mein bheege raaste, thandi hawa ka jhonka aur ek kulhad wali chai ke saath mae raste pe thehel te huye. Kafi saal guzaare hai meine akele. Log mujhe bhooton ke jaise ignore karte thhe. Sab koi nahi apne team wale hi, aur society wale, office wale sab mujhse baat karte thhe. Mindset!
Anyways, muskurao aap hindustan mein! Meri baatein – mere liye, ap ke liye aur sabhi ke liye chalti rahengi. Ajki kahaani yahan tak.
Regards,
Shatto!